A Lump Of Clay

In a world full of Conformers, people who allow themselves to be molded by those around them, who conform to others’ opinions and try excessively to look good in the eyes of a deteriorating society, I’ve decided I’ve had enough. The past two years of high school have gone by in a flash and, thinking of it now, I’ve realized that I’ve spent those two years trying desperately to fit in, to be accepted by others. I’d been a Conformer, blindly following “the crowd” and losing sight of my own purpose. And the worst part was that I’d known all along and had been perfectly fine with it. I’d accepted the fact that I wasn’t a person, but a lump of clay that molded into what I thought people wanted me to be. I’d been a streak of white-out on a piece of white printer paper, indistinguishable, unnoticeable, unimportant. It’s funny because day in and day out, you see people who try too hard to be something they know they’re not, something they know they can never be. People who lack the self-acceptance that could make them something important, set them free from the prison of an ever-growing blob of gray that’s slowly engulfing our society today. I’ve made some stupid decisions the past few years (with “some” equating to roughly ten billion) and right now, I’m regretting every single one. But I suppose that’s a good sign. 

So this summer, I’ve set out to do something I wouldn’t originally have thought of doing: changing. Transforming myself from that dull gray lump of clay to a glistening block of steel. This is part of the reason I’m getting a professional camera and not buying an Xbox (or a PS3 for you Playstation fans), why I’m writing these posts on Tumblr to begin with. So that I can be different and not adhere to what a stereotypical teenager should do, so that I can be myself. I’m going to become an Individual, someone who breaks free from the “crowd”, a splotch of red paint on the dull gray canvas of the world. After all, do we really deserve to call ourselves individuals if we’re dependent on everyone else? The whole point of being an individual is being independent, being your own true self and not an insignificant part of “the crowd”.

And if you think about it, what is “the crowd” anyway? A soulless group of zombies who blindly follow each other in an attempt to gain respect? In that case, why would anyone want to follow and be a part of them? (I guess I’m making myself look stupid right now.) Be different. Show the world you’re not afraid to stand out, to display who you really are. Break away from the crowd and be something independent altogether. After all, why be a part when you can be a whole? I tried to be a part of the crowd for a long time, and I guess I still do sometimes. But I’m making an effort to break away, and I know it won’t be easy. Easy to follow, hard to lead, right? But that’s the point. At the end of the day, the accomplishment of becoming an Individual is what matters. So go ahead and ask yourself. Are you an Individual or a Conformer? A block of steel or a lump of clay?

For every Reblog 1$ will be donated to my autistic brothers fundraiser :)

99% of people won’t reblog this because they think it’ll make their blog look as shitty as their heart.

(Source: fl-u-me)

(Reblogged from archivednk)

A Flickering Lightbulb

It’s funny how the most insignificant and even childish things can sometimes cause you to think so much, to ponder over things so deep, you feel you just might drown in an ocean of thoughts. Ironically, this happened to me in a two-foot deep bathtub while I was taking a shower yesterday. Well, I guess it all really started a few weeks ago, back when I was still desperately waiting for school to end.

It had been a long day, like it usually was in MV. I came home and dropped on the bed, drained of energy. Thinking of the coming weekends brought no relief, no comfort, because there was still three more days left. Three grueling, homework-filled days. Test after test, project after pointless project, unending piles of worksheets (I’m just exaggerating, there was like two worksheets), I had just about had enough. Desperately, I sought an escape, something to take my mind away, even only for a few minutes, from the dim reality I’d come to know. Instinctively, I looked to my bookshelf. There was nothing in there that I hadn’t read at least once, but that wasn’t going to stop me. Skimming through titles, I glimpsed something distinct that caught my eye. It was an old book from my early childhood; I had even forgotten I had it. Whether it was the insanity that had developed after months of school or a curiosity for what used to amaze me, I picked up the slightly dusty collection of children’s stories from the shelf. Yea, I know, I have no life.

My initial reaction as I flipped through the pages was to slap myself and put the book back. After all, what was a 16 year old kid doing with a book meant for eight year olds? But I wasn’t about to touch any of my homework just yet, not when I could procrastinate. So I went ahead and read through the pages that had lost their magic so long ago. Well, as it turned out, their was still a little magic stuck between the pages… (No, I’m not talking about gum.)

It’s funny because of all the memories I’ve had of the past year, this one sort of popped up in my head as I let the warm water trickle down my face. With ample time now, I started to think (yeah, surprising isn’t it?). I remembered the days when those stories used to amaze me, when a talking ant was just as believable as Ms. Moore getting fired, when the countless plot holes and horrific sentence structure meant nothing to me, and most of all, when the innocence of my childhood shone like a new lightbulb. Back when the world was a nicer place, a dreamlike fantasy always filled with new and exciting adventures. Back then, the world was fair and there was always a “happily ever after”. Forgive me if I’m getting a bit philosophical here, but that’s just how it was. Who would’ve guessed then that we’d been living in a lie? Who would’ve guessed the horrific truth that lay beneath that dreamlike cover, the truth that the world was anything but fair? Who would’ve known that our innocence had formed a protective shield over our eyes that hid the world’s many flaws and imperfections? Well, we did, when we got older. The shield over our eyes started to crumble as the years went by, the innocence slowly dimming like a used lightbulb. Look into any toddler’s eyes, and you’ll a notice something bright there, something pure that seems to glimmer steadily. Then look at an adult’s eyes, and that light is almost gone, dimmed by countless years of living in the truth, the “real world”. It’s a sad story, the way innocence exists only to flicker away later on. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? It flickers, but doesn’t fuse completely. No matter how old you grow, how much corruption you see, that innocence from your childhood lives on, barely, but still alive. And that simple fact is what really matters, the fact that no matter how corrupt the world gets, people don’t have to give in to that corruption, they don’t have to become corrupt themselves. They can hold onto that glint of innocence because it will always be there, like a flickering lightbulb that doesn’t fuse. It’s just a matter of digging deep enough to find it.

Well, that was quite a bit to chew on, even for me; I found myself gobbling more than I could swallow in that shower. I guess that’s why I write, to clear up some of this stuff myself, because sometimes an idle mind just wanders and you find yourself in deep water before you know it. Keeping up with that theme of “deep water”, I have one more thing I’d like to mention before I rest my fingers. We all probably know by now that the world can never be the same as it used to be when we were little. That perfection that our innocence made us see is just not plausible in a world where poverty reigns, wars rage on, and racism roams free. But let’s just say that it’s possible. Let’s just pretend that the world can be perfect, just for the sake of chasing a goal. Because when you chase a goal, you’ll be amazed at how much progress you make to achieve it. In the end, let’s ask ourselves what the “real world” really is. Is it a flawed place where corruption is just as inevitable as Ms. Moore (hopefully) getting fired, or is it a place where hope still lives on, where kindness and morality are just as powerful as corruption can ever be?

Looking At The Moment

Well, it’s finally summer. The projects are done, tests are over, and the dreaded finals have come to a close. I just want to take the time now to says congrats. Congratulations to all of you for surviving another year in your high school career (and a hard one at that). But as everyone starts to celebrate and rejoice at reaching the end, I can’t help but feel a little empty.

After being consistently busy with homework and “shtudies” for the better part of a year now, the sudden abundance of leisure time caught me a little off guard. With literally nothing to do at times, I found myself looking back on the past year, thinking of the classes, the people, and yes, even the teachers, that made it all memorable. And with that came a twinge of sorrow (no, I’m not saying I miss the work). I had been so busy working on projects and homework throughout the year that I had kept on wishing for the end. Of course, the end was too far away then, so I focused on something more immediately attainable: the weekends. And so, every week of the entire school year, I kept looking forward to the weekends (I swear I didn’t mean it to sound like Rebecca Black’s Friday!), always hoping for a “brighter future”, and missing out on the present. So much for carpe diem. As I ponder over this now, I find myself regretting my way of looking at the year, because as I flip through the pages of the yearbook, I realize how great the classes, teachers, and moments really were. This year at MV was something worth living through and, dare I say it, enjoying. So it’s funny how true that saying really is: “You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. Well, it’s over now, and I just wish I had lived in the moment more, despite all the work. I should have put in some effort to really appreciate the “wonders” (for lack of better words) of sophomore year.

Although I may be the only one who sort of misses the past school year (emphasis on “sort of”), I know I’m not the only one who had always looked forward and hoped for the end. Well, as heavy as the workload is in MV, and probably in all other schools here in Cupertino (don’t worry Tino kids, I’m sure you guys have it almost half as bad as us), aren’t we supposed to enjoy these last four years of school? Shouldn’t we make the most of our last chance to just be kids and build up a childhood worth remembering? I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to sit on some dusty sofa at 70 years of age and recall those sweet moments when I studied for a chem final. Yea, not happening. I want to be able to look back on my life and actually feel nostalgic. This brings me to another point.

With all the leisure time that I have now, I’ve gotten into some deeply philosophical notions about life (that’s a queue for you to keep reading). For the better part of our lives, we spend our time looking forward and wishing for the future, whether it’s to the weekends or to that distant time when we can move out of the house. And then later on, when we hit retirement, we sit on that dusty couch and start looking back on our lives and wishing for the past. So when are we ever looking at the present, the current, the moment? When are we seizing the day and building up a childhood worth remembering? I’m don’t mean to discourage anyone from doing their “shtudies”, after all they are really important, but you should focus your goals and not blindly pull open a textbook and start studying for a test that can “make or break your future”. I’m telling myself this as much as anyone, because I am that typical MV kid that focuses on grades. So I think we can all just take a step back and set straight our priorities. Sure, try hard to achieve academic success, but alongside that, take advantage of this opportunity to create a lasting memory, have fun. Appreciate life for what it is, not what it will be or what it was. Hold onto this youth, this childhood, for dear life because that’s all we’ll have left when we sit on that old dusty couch.

First Post

This is my very first post. I’m just testing the waters here and getting familiar with all of the minor details (aka the basics). Hopefully, I’ll be posting the good stuff soon so look forward to it!